1. Make sure she kills herself while breastfeeding you for 13 months, watching her mercury and nitrate intake, eating and drinking very little caffeine and artificial sweeteners.
2. Be certain that she buy a special food processor and book on how to make her own baby food. After she spends days making and freezing dozens of little ice cube trays of pureed veggies and fruits, spit every thing that she spoons into your mouth out and cry loudly while flailing your arms and legs.
3. When she finally starts you on adult food and spends forever cutting up every tiny bite, throw it all on the floor while shaking your head NO.
4. At your one year doctor visit, make sure the doctor makes her feel really guilty after telling her your weight is only in the 10th percentile.
5. Make sure all of Mommy's friend's babies eat really good, and clean their plate at each meal.
6. When Mommy is trying to feed you out in public, be sure to scream so loudly that onlookers think she is force feeding you.
7. When Mommy gets desperate, right before your 15 month old well visit, she will cave. And when she does cave (with pizza, or chicken nuggets, or any kind of fried food for that matter) - because she will inevitably cave, eat every single morsel of food she gives you. Be super cute and get it all over your face. Savor every ounce of that delightful food. And act as if you haven't eaten in decades.
That's it. If you follow the above steps, you are sure to be able to eat anything you want. She will even feel like she is feeding you healthy if you eat a couple of peas after inhaling chick-fil-a nuggets and waffle fries. You may even get a lollipop for dessert!!! She will be so proud of you, she will take pictures of the drool on your tummy that accumulated while devouring your lollipop. SUCKERS!!!!
2 comments:
Wait, I thought suckers were part of the fruit group?
Junk food junkies aren't made overnight you know... They're BORN that way!
:-)
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